disappointment…

Gosh, this world is full of it right now… lots of disappointments. In government, military, politicians, democracy, and tragically enough, in non-profits…

My latest comes from the non-profit I have been supporting for the past 1.5 years. I support with my time, money and products I have donated. I used to volunteer there 3 times a week, but my health forced me to cut back to twice a week. I had a moment of weakness though, attempting to step out of my comfort zone and really help the participants/volunteers/employees with something that has been new and exciting for me. In my attempt to be open and authentic and share that with others I saw hurting; it has resulting in me reaching the end of my limit with this nonprofit.

Here’s the thing though, it’s been inching towards this since the election, if I am full on my 20/20 hindsight…

It started with the training… I come from a training background in corporate, so I attended them religiously, when I was told about them… There I learned just how dumb they thought their volunteers were. They were using phrases like…. ‘you don’t need to know the details’, ‘you couldn’t possibly understand’, and just a straight up ‘we are not going to tell you’. I sat through an hour and a half of my time while they read a piece of paper to me. Not one I didn’t have, one they passed out, or could have easily emailed to me and I could read on my own. Nope, had to show up to training to let them read it to me. This happened twice, the second time I vowed to not attend another training as it was a complete waste of time. And since they were modifying the document during the meeting, it was clear they didn’t even know what the procedures were.

The second time the old white guy stood up and said ‘I’m not going to tell you how we came to this conclusion, just that we have new requirements, and I’m not doing to tell you those either, but rest assured they are what we think is right.’ or some asshole version of that statement. Then the volunteer leader started sending that message out to the volunteering group. We were too dumb to comprehend the requirements or ideas or policies, so we will tell you a tiny bit and no more. Everything became hidden and slimy.

Then they have a volunteer appreciation dinner. This was touted to be about appreciating the volunteers. Instead, they forced us to sit through an employee appreciation dinner for a bitch that was nasty to most of us and getting ‘delayed fired’. We had to clap and sit as she got touted as being great for the organization when she was nothing but nasty to participants and volunteers; yet hey…… let’s lie to her face and make all the volunteers who had no idea we would be stuck in a room having to hear about her…. It was gross and actually physically hurt because it just proved again how much assholes they were and how little they respected me or my time.

Then I was told to take the pride decorations down immediately after pride month ended, being told the month was over and they had to come down. BTW, I left christmas and new years up for almost a month and nobody once said anything to me about taking it down.

And a volunteer attacked me about how if a baby was growing in my body I had no rights. I had to tell him fuck off 4 times before he stopped coming at me with that message. Once should have been plenty. Yet when I told the volunteer lead about it, she was more concerned about being able to imagine the situation, then making me feel comfortable about being there. Again…. the condescending questions and a general feel that she really didn’t care.

And then the class. I submitted a proposal that the event lady agreed to without any modifications and then she later took it all back when I asked her to do what was in the proposal. Not to mention the asshole looks and attitude of the 2 top white old guys in the nonprofit.

And here is the kicker…. The volunteer lady just told me, and she was supposed to be my friend…. Anyway, just told me that my experience was wrong when I recounted it to her. Said that I couldn’t possibly know how things work cuz I was only there for 2-3 hours a week. And that she hates that people ask questions after her emails are sent out… Now…. this is where I have lost all respect for her…. I think… I was a manager… of engineers…. and they be hard to manage… and they ask SOOOOO many questions. And guess what?????? THAT MEANS THEY ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!! it means they read the email I sent out and are thinking about it. As we did this more and more with requirements and documents and software design, we developed what we needed and what was right because we discussed it. Not only that, even if changes were not made, information was given when asked and when informed, those people would go to their own meetings and spread the message to the rest of the organization. If they didn’t know or understand, that was my fault as their leader. And the only places I know that don’t want questions are dictators and criminals and those not doing the right thing.

If you are able to morally and ethically defend your position, THEN LET THE QUESTIONS COME!!!! When people say you are not allowed to ask questions, ask more forcefully… Truly, they are hiding things.

One of the big questions I wanted to ask and have issues with is their ICE policy. I volunteer there and send others to get their services. It concerns me what will happen if ICE tries to walk in the front door. Since the leader of the organization put a trump support sticker on his truck and parks it in front of the organizations main entrance, I imagine many are not going in anymore. Last I was there, attendance was down by half. More if you consider the diversity. It was mostly non english speaking participants in the past, at least 60% if I just look at my day at the market. That went to 90% english speaking since the ICE raids started happening around our cities.

I think they did the bare minimum. They have the places inside the building off limits if there are doors. The thing is, there is no general admission or general public allowed in this building at all, so why isn’t the whole building off limits to ICE? Why do the barest minimum? Like they looked at the restaurant policy for ICE online and just did that… Oh, they can’t come in the kitchen or warehouse; lame and I expect far more from a bunch of privileged old white people who say they are doing the best for the people they serve. I CALL BULLSHIT. See, if they would have the conversations and share the details and not treat me like I was an idiot that’s never seen a legal document or read anything for myself. One of the racists bitches actually asked me if I had the volunteer leader ‘read me the policy’… I told her I can read all on my own and I don’t need someone to tell me what it says, it’s hanging on the wall, literally. I have my own brain. And then the volunteer head tells me I can’t ask questions because I’m only there 2-3 hours a week and couldn’t possibly understand what I was talking about.

Combined with seeing volunteers fall in the kitchen and being told by a Sue they are doing nothing about it. Not fixing the bent up ramp into the cooler or the fact that safety mats are being installed upside down and a volunteer fell in front of me once and again while I was taking time off and nothing was changing.

I can tell you there is no safety training, volunteers typically come in without any help or direction of the volunteer lady, if she is there at all, she doesn’t tell anyone they are coming or have anything setup when they get there. They wonder around until one of the nice volunteers asks if they are lost and then they try to direct them.

I can tell you they waste tons of food more than needed because they have jerks pulling more than needed and not taking into account what shows up. I have sat through an employee telling me that I’m not allowed to give more than one box of pizza to the participants; even though we will through a few dozen away if I agree to her demands. The same employee will go in back and give one of the homeless guys a few burritos in a very sneaky way when he comes in. But others can’t have pizza? whatever, some participants went we 3 or 4 pizzas, we didn’t throw them away and people got fucking food. I CALL THAT A WIN!!! IF you think otherwise, maybe you need to review your policies/beliefs and pull your head out of your ass. This was a typical friday….

I can tell you, if the meeting or class is important enough, they will block places off in the dining room for them to take place, so those people don’t have to come in and pee on the area to reserve the spot.

They put events on an online calendar that is horrendous, they have a text message system to share information about the center in regards to events and days the organization is closed. They have table tents that show which events will be coming up that month at the center. These items, specifically, were in my proposal for the class that was agreed on and then I was later told no for a variety of very lame reasons including my text messages would be considered SPAM. fuck you.

When I volunteered on Friday I would start putting up chairs and make sure participants kept the area clear so the business that was coming in would have the area she needed to work in. So she didn’t have to show up early and pee on the tables. But I was told this was not allowed. I have been doing it all year for this business on every friday. It’s allowed, I always started about 12:15-12:30 for a 1pm start. Turns out, just not allowed for me, allowed for her and others, like I said, they would block off the area, I had seen it. I’m not an idiot. Yes, I’m recovering from a brain injury, but I can use my eyes.

I know the floor is not swept every day, but someone is coming in at least a few times a week to do it; and if they didn’t, one of the old white guys did it. I stopped sweeping and mentioned this in my proposal. Yet, I was told I needed to do it about 10 times and about 10 minutes before a kid walked in and started doing the whole room (which none of it had been done yet). So let me sweep right here and hurt myself more instead of waiting for the guy to do it in 10 minutes. fuck off. You sweep…. you said you would help with something…. try fucking helping instead of creating road blocks to something I never asked you to pay for.

Then the volunteer lead tells me I don’t deserve to know why ICE is allowed in the building and that I’m too stupid to understand or I don’t deserve to have an explanation for a policy because I’m only there 2-3 hours a week. That’s how little respect they have for me, someone who volunteers her time and what little energy she has to a place she once believed in. Don’t get me wrong, I still think they do great things. I just don’t think they are doing enough. And I think those white old guys are forcing their views on what should be an organization that is NOT religious. And if you put conditions on helping people… maybe you shouldn’t be in charge. If you don’t like people, stop working with volunteers.

Not once in my time there, outside of volunteering meetings did I ever even get a thank you from the guy that leads the organization. Yet they can’t do the largest part of their facility without volunteers. The kitchen and the market are all volunteers. But not a single thank you, and I would see him every shift. Someone told me it didn’t matter once. I told her it all matters. I’m not a employee. I’m a VOLUNTEER!!!! For your damn organization. Not one thank you. Not ever a Hi. I know someone who’s been there over 4 years and the guy can’t even look her in the eyes when he walks by her.

There are 2 positive things on the walls where the volunteers hang their badges. One says ‘The world needs your smile. xoxo’ and a little note that says I wish you a million kindnesses today. Not anywhere else in the entire place that the volunteers go is there anything positive, nice, uplifting, supportive…. I put those there.

I was told the volunteer lead was afraid to answer questions because they go on social media and then the organization gets hurt. My answer to that is, if you are doing the right thing; with your policies and you educate people, they will be a small force in any media to combat misinformation. IF you are doing the right thing, your policies and actions will stand up to scrutiny and you wouldn’t be afraid of it because you are doing the right thing.

I’m told they are not racist and homophobic and sexist assholes. Yet I have been asked if I’m ok. Not about my experiences I just described, I’ve been told those experiences are wrong. Just the asshole and condescending thing women do in our society. Instead of looking at yourself and what this conversation is bringing up, you want to think I am somehow unhinged because that’s what those asshole old white guys have taught you to believe. Fuck, they conditioned us for it, groomed us through the generations of oppression, rape, slavery and basic disregard for our fucking human rights!!! SO you are damn right I’m writing this up now. And your damn right I’m sending it into the abyss of hate and horror that is happening in the world today.

Every minute I fight not to isolate myself again. This world is disgusting. I find hope in the people I allow close to me in this life. I find hope in the simple joy of creating art. All art and seeing that joy in others. I will walk down that path now, this nonprofit does not deserve my sparkle. What if I sent someone there and their asshole ICE policy got them deported? Because they didn’t make the whole place a sanctuary and because they won’t tell us why or how they go to these conclusions.. I’m not interested in supporting them anymore.

Altho pads were on sale, and I did pick up and few boxes… It’s another thing… Desperately needed by the participants, asked for by almost everyone that came in on wednesday when I volunteered for a 3-hour shift that over my year doing, I might have seen the volunteer lead there for an hour total…. if she wasn’t forced to fill in for a volunteer that didn’t show….Anyway……always needed and requested by market lead all the time. I was signed up for every newsletter they had, it wasn’t even on some of their lists. As a woman, it’s disgusting to think women do not have this basic need for free. Yet these old white guys can’t even be bothered to put it on the top of their lists? You don’t think that’s needed more than fucking canned corn?

I had gotten to the point where I was able to get most of the food away from the compost of fridays. It’s disgusting the food waste, and most is preventable if they cared. I ran into old policies when I asked questions about the restrictions. Policies that were put in place when they were super fearful about the homeless population taking food and getting sick because they did not have proper refrigeration. The old white people are so concerned about participants getting second helpings on food they throw away at the end of the week. They won’t even let them take anything to-go. It’s on their plate, because the assholes on the line will put piles of food on thier plate thinking they are helping these people, it’s just forcing them to make the decision to over eat or throw away food. And don’t you think that’s a disgusting choice? I do. Having been forced to overeat from my family and a society based on process food; people who are already in food distress will overeat if not allowed to save food, in most cases. IF they let people take the food To Go (they have plenty of containers, they get donated), they would on average weight 100 or more pounds a day into the compost and people would have more food in their fridges.

Oh yeah, and the lack of glove use with the volunteers is disgusting. And a few of the assholes had issues when I brought it up. Food poisoning is no joke, people die from it… You want to be responsible for the death of a small child or elderly person? Just keep your gloves and hands clean!!! And why can’t a quick little training be made, FOR ANYTHING!?!?!?!?!? Others have offered… For free… for years… they will get sued if someone falls that thinks they have been neglectful. Another reason I can’t go back… I won’t fall there… I know if would be neglectful because I have seen other volunteers fall and nothing be done about it. I would sue them, and I would take them out. Maybe I should… fire the old assholes and make it better… hmmmm if I only had the energy and the money. But I’m not sacrificing my health for them or anyone else. You care so little for me, why should I care for you?

I know on friday when whole foods delivers their seafood, one of the volunteers will take every package of the tuna that shows up. if there are 2 or 20, she stuffs them in a bag. Why? I believe she said she trades it for other stuff. My guess is drugs, but who knows.. She’s a well off old white lady… so not sure. I know on fridays there is a a contingent of volunteers in the market that are so nasty, I don’t suggest people go there after 2. They sit in the dining room and make me stay late every week because they sit until the last possible minute and then I have to sanitize where they were before I leave. They talk about what they will trade, what they are picking up for other people in their order so they can trade for this an that.

One of the volunteers is such a nasty bitch she refuses to even read the signs in spanish to the participants. Cant even be bothered to say dos or uno. They look down on the people who don’t look and talk like them. So why even bother coming in? She is so anal about the bags given out that it’s gross, they have so many they fall off the shelves in the back.. Yet you can’t make that easy? And why do you care so much?

And this is where I close, I have already taken too much energy to explain this in the simplest way I can so those old white people can understand they are DOING IT WRONG!!!! help them the best you can, not just slide by bullshit, or you are not doing a good job and should be fired.

-Valkyrie

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